It has long been
established that all human relations can survive and sustained based only on
the functions they perform. In other words, the relation between two people is
maintained by the mutual benefit it delivers to both parties. This proposition
is just too clear to require further proof.
Imagine the
relationship in political life of a leader and his followers, the elected and
the electorate, the leviathan and the people; their relationship is sustained
because the leader has a utility to the people namely to provide the
necessities of life such as security, etc. The people on the other hand serve
as the source of his power. When the leader no longer serves his duty, his
utility will expire and the people will dispose him off. Similarly, the
merchant and the customer maintain a relationship of economic significance
because the merchant needs the customer to buy his merchandise whilst the
customer needs the merchant to make accessibility to basic goods easier for
him. Likewise, in the educational sphere, the teacher needs students to have a
job whereas the students need a teacher to acquire knowledge necessary for
their projects of life. For all social relations, the needs of the social
partners are the threads that weld them together.
This notion cannot be
applied less to “love” than to other aspects of life. Love is used here to
connote the binding element of romantic attraction between two people. The
attraction between two individuals, man and woman, man and man or woman and
woman, has for a better part of history been and still is attributed to an
inner drive people choose to call “love”. According to those who hold this
view, love (or true love) is a natural phenomenon and thus has nothing to do
with external motives. On this basis,
they categorize this phenomenon into various facets; calling the ultimate one
“true love” or “unconditional love” or such and such love. But upon thorough
analysis, putting the matter of love to more critical enquiry, this notion
pales into the realm of conjecture.
Basically, when two
people decide to enter into a romantic relationship, each of them wants
something that is in the other; a material possession or an innate quality, a
physical shape, size or structure. Without exception, this applies to all who
claim to fall in love. People naturally want something in a partner. These ‘wants’
then become the bases for formulating requirements or expectations. For
instance, a man may outline his requirements of a lady as follows; a short,
fair woman with cutting-edge intelligence. If a man such as this finds a woman
with those qualities, it is natural that he will be attracted to her and for
want of a better word, he claims he loves her. But the lady also has her own
requirements and if the man also meets those requirements and they decide to
relate themselves to each other romantically, then theirs will be an enduring
relationship. If however, for one reason or another, one of them loses the
qualities or possessions for which the relationship was initiated, then the
attraction will weaken and they will eventually part.
People’s “wants” are
divers and varied and so are the foundations of relationships. What one person
may regard as trivial may at the same time mean the whole world to someone
else. Some may fall for height, voice, eyes, skin colour, diction,
intelligence, breasts, buttocks or other bodily endowments. Yet others may be
moved by money, social status, fame, achievements, material possessions,
bedroom business etc. For instance, it is not unusual to find a man, dirty and
destitute, having the most beautiful girl friend in his neighbourhood. It will
be commonplace to scold a woman in such a relationship and even think of her as
psychically imbalanced, for a man must necessarily be able to provide the
provisions of life for his better half. But if only they had asked her reason,
they would find their answers.
Let it be emphasized
that people may not always know exactly what they want in a partner. In other
words, although they want something, they may sometimes not know exactly what
they want. However, when the partner no longer possesses such a thing, the
attraction between the two will suffer a blow and their relationship will
hardly last.
Can
a man fall in “love” with a woman he has never met, seen, spoken with, heard or
had any form of contact with? Certainly not. The so called “love” always comes
after the two have had one form of contact or another with each other. This
then provides the opportunity for the ‘wants’ to be appraised and attraction to
take course, that is if the ‘wants’ match.
Is it true that ladies
generally like money or material possessions? Is it also true that men are
moved by what they see whilst women are moved by what they hear? Fact or
fiction, these contain a semblance of the notion of ‘mutual exchange’ in
relationships.
In sum, human beings
are always thought to be rational beings that make rational choices to maximize
their benefits. Interestingly, this has been applied more to some aspects of
life namely economic, political etc than to others. One of the neglected
aspects in this regard is the matter of romantic attraction, or “love” as some
may choose to call it. It must be noted that we are as rational in matters of
the heart as in economics. Anybody who ignores this fact does so at the peril
of his emotional well-being.
Y. M. Hardi
